Hammon For President

Attributions: 
Article by Alex Yoder

(Disclaimer; This article is purely for entertainment, Mr. Hammon isn’t running for president. Probably.)

Here at SJHS, a well loved, esteemed teacher has decided he is going to run for president. Mr. Hammon recently decided that America needed a man like him in the oval office; someone who knows the problems, from education, to having more holidays. Headed by his campaign manager Monte Taylor, Mr. Hammon has been trying to get the attention of America, however not much is known about Mr. Hammon. What will he do as president? Who will he pick for senior council? Let's find out.

First, let's talk about Mr. Hammons campaign manager Monte Taylor. Monte is a ninth grader here at SJHS, and is hailed from teachers across the school as an academic genius. “If someone were to help me run for president, it would be Monte.” Alex Yoder, 9th grader, told us. Campaign manager has many responsibilities on the trail, from organizing events to helping the president on difficult policies. Here’s Monte on what he thought his role as campaign manager is, “My job is to just really, to spread the word, organize events, help the president make decisions, and pick people to fill positions of responsibility with who I think can get the job done best.”  As campaign manager, Monte is the prime candidate for the position of Chief of Staff if Mr. Hammon makes the white house. He told us, “Of course I am expecting this job, considering I am one of his closest friends and advisors. I know I will be able to handle the responsibility, and really just break the expectations of being chief of staff.” The Chief of Staffs primary job is to appoint people into leadership and cabinet positions. Monte told us some of the possible candidates for the top leadership jobs, often called senior council. He said, “It really just depends on availability. However, I know the people who have been with us since the start can really step up to the plate. It just depends on who stays with us through the highs and lows of the campaign. All of these people would be prime candidates for senior council. For example, Alex Yoder is a very well educated kid, who I would trust with the job of Secretary of State.” The first 100 days of a presidents presidency are the most important and productive. Monte told us what they would accomplish if a Hammon Presidency becomes a reality. He said, “There are many pressing issues, and from my experience no one knows what the future can hold, However, one of America's greatest issues today is the quality of education. We must work to expand our education, both college and secondary.”

When asked why he was planning to run, Mr. Hammon said, “I wasn’t really planning on it, but Monte wants me to run, so that's why I’m running.” He told us he would like to finish teaching before he ran, so anywhere from 20 to 30 years from now. While Monte had a very professional idea on what they were going to do once they were in power, Mr. Hammon had a more… interesting idea. He told us, “I would put Hawaiian Punch in all of the drinking fountains. Probably the biggest issue I need to tackle is having more holidays for everyone. Also, we need more theme parks.”

While this is purely for entertainment, Mr. Hammon told us he thought it would be pretty cool to be a mayor. So, while we must always be hoping for President Hammon, Mayor Hammon may be a more realistic dream. Good luck in your presidential campaign Mr. Hammon and staff!